“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
Lord Kelvin, President Royal Society
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
Charles H. Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
“Sensible and responsible women do not want to
vote.” Grover Cleveland, 1905
“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power
of the atom.” Robert Milikan, Nobel Laureate in
Physics, 1923
“Who the heck wants to hear actors talk?” Harry M.
Warner, Warner Brothers Pictures, 1927
Customer Service (CS) Rep.: “Yes, Ma’am, how may I help you today?”
Customer: “Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?”
CS Rep. : “Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?”
Customer: “Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready to
install now. What do I do first?”
CS Rep. : “The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located
your HEART ma’am?”
Customer: “Yes I have, but there are several other programs running
right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?”
CS Rep. : “What programs are running ma’am?”
Customer: “Let’s see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW ESTEEM.EXE,
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.”
CS Rep. : “No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from
your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will
eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE
and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?”
Customer: “I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?”
CS Rep. : “My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE
and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.”
Customer: “Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?”
Cs Rep. : “Yes. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?”
Customer: “Yes I do. Is it completely installed?”
Cs Rep. : “Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the
upgrades.”
Customer: “Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?”
Cs Rep. : “What does the message say?”
Customer: “It says “ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL
COMPONENTS. What does that mean?”
Cs Rep. : “Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that
the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet
been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming
things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your
own machine before it can “LOVE” others.”
Customer: “So what should I do?”
Cs Rep. : “Can you pull down the directory called “SELFACCEPTANCE”?”
Customer: “Yes, I have it.”
Cs Rep. : “Excellent. You’re getting good at this.”
Customer: “Thank you.”
Cs Rep. : “You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then
copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-
WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will
overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from
all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make
sure it is completely and permanently gone erased.”
Customer: “Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my
HEART. Is this normal?”
Cs Rep. : “Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually
everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed
and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more
thing before I go.”
Customer: “Yes?”
Cs Rep. : “LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various
modules to everybody you meet. They will share it with other people
and then return some similarly sacred modules back to you.”
Customer: “I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what’s your
name?”
Cs Rep. : ” You may call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as
The Great Physician, but most call me God. Many people feel all they
need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the
Manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum
efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch.
— author unknown